🔥 5 Minutes of Leadership Fuel
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🫶 A Dose of Inspiration
“If people can’t say no, their yes has no meaning.”
— Peter Block
I’ve shared this before, and it keeps finding its way back to me… especially as leaders with a title.
When we ask something of the people we lead, our position walks into the room with us. Our words carry weight we don’t always feel. So a yes can sound like commitment, when really it’s an obligation wearing a smile.
My mentor Peter Block reminds us that a yes only means something when no was a real option. Making space for that no isn’t a loss of influence. It’s an act of respect… and belief that people can be trusted with a real choice.
📥 Download the quote graphic to use in your next staff email or meeting.
🤓 A Dose of Learning
This week I want to introduce you to a voice that was new to me… and I have a feeling she’ll be new to many of you too. Vanessa Bohns is a social psychologist and professor of organizational behavior at Cornell. In a recent episode of How to Be Awesome at Your Job, she talks with host Pete Mockaitis about her new book, Should I Say Something? The Science of What to Share and What to Keep to Yourself.
Her big idea is simple, and it has me rethinking a few conversations of my own. Deciding whether to say something matters as much as how we say it… maybe more.
And most of us lean toward silence. In one study she describes, researchers approached people with a smear of chocolate on their faces. Out of more than a hundred people, only about four said anything. The takeaway? We will go to great lengths to avoid an awkward moment.
Three ideas from this conversation are staying with me…
🔮 Look through the future lens. When we’re weighing a hard conversation, we tend to fixate on the short-term sting. The awkward pause. The look on their face. Bohns invites us to zoom out with one question… How will they use this?
If the feedback is only about the past and there’s nothing they can do with it, let it go. But if it can help them grow, and maybe even help the team, the momentary discomfort is worth it.
She calls this benevolent honesty, as opposed to the brutal type. It’s honesty with a plan… and belief… for the future. She also offers a reframe I love: the discomfort we feel before giving hard feedback is a sign that we care. When we lead with genuine benevolence, people are often grateful for that conversation long after the sting fades. That’s belief in action… feedback that says I know you can grow.
🚫 Ask in a way that makes room for no. In Bohns’ lab, about 75% of people predicted they would never unlock their phone and hand it to a stranger. When actually asked, more than 80% did. Saying no in the moment is much harder than we think.
Now add a title to the person doing the asking. As leaders, our requests carry weight we may not feel, and people can say yes out of obligation. Bohns’ approach is to give people real autonomy:
- Give a heads-up before you ask.
- Give them time to think. “Don’t answer today… let me know next week.”
- Give them the words to say no, if they need them.
That’s how we get true commitment instead of compliance.
😶 Silence is not kind. Bohns shares her own experience of being ghosted after an intense academic job interview. Months later, she had to reach out herself to learn the position was never filled.
We often convince ourselves that staying quiet is the kinder choice. But ask anyone on the receiving end, and they’ll tell you the silence hurt more. Her challenge is to be honest with ourselves about our motive… Is this about kindness, or about my comfort?
🎧 Listen to the full episode here: How to Be Awesome at Your Job: Knowing When to Speak Up versus Shut Up with Vanessa Bohns
🌀 A Dose of Action
Before you choose, pause on Bohns’ question… Is my silence about kindness, or about my comfort?
Then pick the one that’s calling to you this week:
🔮 Look through the future lens. Think of feedback you’ve been holding back. Ask yourself, How will they use this? If it can help them grow, find a time this week to have the conversation… with belief.
🚫 Make room for no. The next time you need something from someone on your team, give them a heads-up, give them time to decide, and let them know “no” is an okay answer.
😶 Close a loop. Who’s waiting to hear back from you? A candidate, a colleague, a family, a proposal? Send the update, even if it isn’t the news they were hoping for.
You got this. Let’s lead with belief.
In your corner,
Melody
Founder, Culture of Belief
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